Unlike many stories, this one begins in the middle—the middle of a war between Fjordia and Rodorn, that is. Following recruits dredged up from the very bottom of the barrel by the Rodornian military’s standards, what started as killing a few kobolds in a cave somewhere quickly developed into a fight to save Rodorn, Amestris, and quite possibly the world.
The party started with four—Raff Stonemeadow, Petra, Sheldon, and Wick Wolf Tiger. Before going to meet their new lieutenants in Goldshire, they explored a cave nearby, and killed a bunch of kobolds. They also discovered a mysterious 20 lb. cube with alien etchings all over. They took it, forever altering their lives and the lives of everyone else involved, for better or for worse.
Then the party met their leaders, Lieutenants Banning Rougemont and Perry Dalton. Perry was extra cool because he was jolly and said “bollocks” a lot.
With orders to retrieve a refugee near the coast, the party recovered a Kalashtar who had washed up onto the shore. He identified himself as Dorianth En Fael’thath and couldn’t remember anything else. As is natural with these sort of things, he joined the party. Then they dispatched some Fjordians.
On their return to Goldshire, the party found it up in flames. Shit, they thought, we won’t be able to buy or sell anything for like, a while. And that’s exactly what happened.
They spent the night outside the burning city being raped and pillaged by the Fjordians, and in the morning Banning and Petra went to investigate the ruins stealthily to recover the mysterious cube they’d left behind. While rummaging they were caught. They cheesed it, but not without taking the cube first.
Once the party was safely away, the Kalashtar interpreted the cube’s ancient runes and revealed it was a golem in stasis. He activated it, and it transformed into Armoratorium McSteel, “the Iron Gigolo” (he’s 70% Mithril). As is natural with these sort of things, he joined the party.
Shortly after this they came across a rare and extremely bad-tempered female dwarf, one of the only survivors of the decimated town. As is natural with these sort of totally random happenstance meetings, she joined the party.
With the power of eight, they still fail a lot.
Upon noticing that the Fjordians took a large number of villagers off into the forest for some mysterious but no doubt sinister purpose, the party decided they should probably go get those villagers before something horrible happened to them like getting turned into gore paste. Oh wait, that ended up happening anyway—after fighting some more Fjordians and finding their secret cave which led to a secret temple, the party discovered a gore room inside. Sheldon made it smell like cinnamon buns.
Then a Lich appeared. Everybody quickly realized that no one could hit it unless they rolled a 20, and then it proceeded to OWN THE SHIT OUT OF THEM. The Lich downed and afflicted Banning, and then Lieutenant Perry bravely sacrificed himself so that everyone could get away. They escaped down a gore chute, which led to a room with a floor caked in the amount of gore you would expect to get out of the number of villagers the Fjordians took. So… you know.
The party came across the spirit of an ancient Kalashtar named Minharath. After a nice chat he decided to hop on into Banning’s body to keep her from slowly becoming a horrible, mindless undead thing. You know how it is. He had a lot to say about this ancient evil demon, Navitash, who once destroyed the continent before and drove the Kalashtar out and is apparently making a comeback now. Minharath suggested gathering five powerful relics—weapons, to be exact—as the only way to stop him, though he was not very specific on how to stop him come to think.
Very well, thought Banning, I shall not tell anyone. This plan is fool proof.
After hiding the cave-temple and fleeing, and fighting a crapton of Fjordians, the party made it to the next nearest settlement. They were FINALLY able to sell their shit and Wick sold Pinkbeard’s Pink Beard. For 20 gold!
Banning was led off to meet with her brother Major Damien Rougemont, who gave her orders to travel to the port city Virtannis and await further orders from him there. Virtannis is located just three days away from the forests of Mudora, home to Wick’s Wiger clan as well as the Staff of Mudora—one of the five relic weapons Minharath suggested gathering. You can see where this is going.
In Virtannis, the party prepared to head into the forests, but not without ordering magic items they would be able to pick up upon returning. That wouldn’t be too long, right? Just a short trip into the forest, pick up an ancient magical staff, business as usual. Right?
In the forest they found an unfriendly Wiger clan and its leader, Chief Norian, waiting for them. Norian was mostly a douchebag, and talking to the villagers confirmed this.
The party slept there, and in the middle of the night Wick’s childhood friend Olean came to wake him up and tell him that Wick was the only hope to save the Wiger people. Ye Gods, thought the party, these Wigers are doomed.
So they set off to find somebody named Oakheart on Olean’s suggestion, and Oakheart turned out to be a tree. With a name like Oakheart, nobody was really surprised. Banning called in an apparent debt the treant had to Minharath in order to gain them entrance to the Temple of Mudora via stick.
They were confronted with a guardian there, who used megic to separate the rest of the party from Wick with a wall of water in order to do solo battle with the Wiger to see if he was worthy of becoming chieftain. This was about when the party resigned to the fact that Wick was going to die.
Miraculously, he did not. He even beat the damn thing, and then exchanged his item of personal significance (his spear) with Norian’s (a figurine of a knight), thus completing the ancient ritual and officially becoming the new Chieftain of the Wigers of Mudora.
Those poor Wigers.
After navigating the perilous puzzles of the Temple of Mudora, the party discovered the Guardian waiting for them at the end along with the artifact they sought—the Staff of Mudora. The Forest of Mudora has kind of a running theme. It’s very big on things of Mudora.
Back at the Wiger town, Wick confronted Norian with the news that he was the new chieftain. Norian had a lot of grim and foreboding things to say about how Wick and the others had doomed the Wiger clan. All things considered, he was probably right.
It was no surprise when Norian announced he had no other choice than to attack the party, who were all like, one guy? No problem. Norian called his guards and four men appeared behind him, and the party was like, five guys? No problem. Then two axe sisters appeared, and the party was like, seven guys? No problem. Then six viking foot soldiers appeared, and the party was like, okay, well, those are probably minions, we still got this.
And then four valkyries appeared behind them, and the raping commenced.
But, somehow, in spite of the enemy’s quadruple gangbang attacks, the party managed to make it through the majority of the battle intact. They were winning, even! Norian was almost down! Almost everything else was down! It was all going so well!
A dark figure appeared in the distance. An unholy knight that moved in an eerily inhuman way. He trekked across the battlefield with the slow and unrelenting determination of the unliving, cleaving everything in his path. The party tried to fight him, but Raff and BT quickly discovered no one could possibly match his power as they got dazed and knocked over like a hundred times. As a last resort, and to ensure the rest of the party’s escape, Banning gave Minharath permission to physically manifest and “switch places” with her, hoping that he could take on this dark creature that nobody else could hit unless they rolled a 20. Gee, that sounds familiar…
As Minharath suddenly appeared in Banning’s place, Petra fell instantly in love with the broody Kalashtar. The rest of the party was pretty much like what the fuck is this, but in the heat of battle you just kinda have to roll with it when your delicate commander lady suddenly turns into a giant armored man.
Though Minharath was pretty rape, Banning found allowing him to take control came with its drawbacks—namely suffering the same damage as those he attacked. She couldn’t maintain the form long enough to defeat the demon knight and transformed back in time to hop onto Raff’s back and run away. With Sheldon and Armoratorium lobbing magic missiles behind them, the last of the party barely escaped death at the hands of this douchebag, whoever he was.
They were so afraid of the demon knight’s return that they ran for three days and two nights without stopping until reaching Virtannis and they finally got their magic items they ordered like forever ago geez.
On their return the party discovered that Major Rougemont and his company was waiting for them there. When Banning went to relay her report to him, he cut her off and informed her there was a traitor amongst them. He gave orders to find out who it was from a list of three candidates: Bruce Horten, an intelligence officer; William Sobel, the supply officer; and Captain Christopher Blackthorn, Damien’s number two.
The party split up to go after Horten and Sobel. Team Sobel consisted of Armoratorium, BT, Dorian, and Wick, and Team Horten consisted of Banning, Petra, Sheldon, and Raff.
Team Sobel got word that the Lieutenant could often be found in the pub, so they headed there. Trying to act natural, BT challenged Sobel to a drinking game. She failed as a dwarf and lost, though she did succeed in getting him drunk. Deviously disguising himself as a laundry bot, Armoratorium managed to get Sobel to hand over his pants, which revealed no incriminating evidence. Then Wick wrestled him, and lost. Then Armoratorium wrestled him, and lost. It is not entirely clear why the wrestling took place because they already found he was not the traitor, but… Armoratorium did lose a nipple in the fight.
Meanwhile, Team Horten discovered their target playing croquet. They challenged his honor on the croquet field and he accepted, and they beat him. Then Banning seduced him, and she went back to his place with him. She put him in a sex coma, but it was all for nothing—they found no incriminating evidence. Armoratorium was extremely pleased for the rest of the day, and Banning added ‘dignity’ to the list of things she had lost since beginning this campaign.
The party reunited to go after Blackthorn together. They trailed him from the park to his personal apartment, waiting for him to leave before rummaging around his stuff and discovering a stack of profiles he had been keeping on each and every one of them, and also a person called Tor Ashborne—the same man the party had earlier found a wanted poster for.
With no where else to look, the party set off to break into Blackthorn’s mansion and have a look around. They did just that, and wacky hijinks ensued as a party of eight group stealthed around the mansion looking for clues. Armoratorium managed to sneak down into the basement, found the incriminating evidence they needed, and then stepped on the mysterious teleportation pad that he knew would bring something into the room and really when can that ever be a good decision? Never, that’s when. It officially became an episode of Scooby Doo as the demon knight who pursued them before rematerialized before Armoratorium’s eyes. He did what any self-respecting sex robot would do and fucking gtfo’d.
While half the party had already escaped from the top floor bathroom window by climbing down a rope, the other half of the party was stuck inside waiting in the foyer for Armoratorium to return. Gradually the sound of 70% mithril feet beating an expeditious retreat grew louder until they saw him burst out of the great hall pursued by guards. He had only one thing to say.
The emblem in the center of the foyer began to glow and that motherfucking demon knight appeared again, and apparently this did not dismay the guards chasing Armoratorium, nooo, they were more concerned with the “malfunctioning laundry bot.”
Clusterfuck ensues, and with a great deal of bullshit that does not need to be detailed here, the party finally escapes the demon knight—but not without first discovering that he’s actually Perry. Or was, rather. Now he’s Dark Perry.
That night, the party roleplayed. Nerds. The next morning, Banning went to see her brother, where she received an invitation to a ball being held in King Vrynn’s honor at the Blackthorn mansion. In spite of breaking into his house with the rest of the company, he was still inviting her to his party, and that was somehow not suspicious at all. During this the rest of the party went to go get paid to be test subjects for the alchemists. Seriously, that’s what they decided to do.
Damien revealed he was being blackmailed by the Blackthorns and that was the reason for his distance. He and Banning concocted a plan to reveal the traitorous Blackthorns to the king at the ball, with Banning and Dorian attending as guests and the others posing as serving staff.
Well, we split the party and basically totally fucking failed. We’re talking monumental failure, here. While Dorian and Banning mingled, Raff and Petra went upstairs to try and uncover anymore incriminating information. BT focused on getting her armor and weapons from where she hid them in some bushes outside, and Wick happily greeted every person who entered in an unnecessarily grandiose fashion.
Sheldon and Armoratorium sneaked from the kitchen back down to the basement, where they found the Dark Perry teleportation pad had turned into a pad that would take them somewhere else. Against all common sense they jumped in holding hands, and found themselves on a floating island thousands of feet above Virtannis. Lighting the dark room they were in revealed only a stone throne which, when sat on, delivered necrotic energy to the sitter (as Armoratorium found out). And really, there’s only one guy we know who’s into that kind of thing.
Through a doorway there was one other room, one with large windows which revealed the sky and city below them. At the center of it they found a pedestal housing an orb. Armoratorium took it, getting a brief glimpse of a forest and a skeletal hand holding a similar orb. He then suggested to Sheldon that they featherfall out the window to get back, except only Sheldon had featherfall and the alternative was simply to arcana check the teleportation pad to reverse it which would have been no problem because they are both wizards with like +10 arcana. Or at least everyone thought they were wizards until they decided to cast featherfall on Sheldon, strap Armoratorium in cube form to him, and then leap off the floating island together to the city below.
Worst. Wizards. Ever.
At some point during the fall Sheldon lost his grip on the robot. They both fell through the roof of the Blackthorn mansion and directly into the guards quarters, wouldn’t you know it, though Armoratorium fell considerably faster as Sheldon floated down daintily after him. Armoratorium was severely damaged by the fall, but he survived. Barely. Like, one hit point away from permanent character death barely.
The sound of their landing shook the mansion, and Montgomery decided to move upstairs with the king. Banning and Dorian sought to get out to see what the commotion was. Petra was investigating the library and Raff the master bedroom of the Blackthorns. He busted in and found Christopher Blackthorn inside, who had been curiously absent at his own party.
Blackthorn revealed he knew that Raff was actually Tor Ashborne, the man who had be prophesied to kill the king. He also revealed he was going to use this to his advantage, kill the king, and then pin it on Raff/Tor, as villains like to carefully detail their plans to their foes before they execute them. And execute them he did; Christopher Blackthorn stabbed the king in the stomach, pinning a bloody dagger on Raff as Banning and Dorian arrived on the scene. They were too late—the king was already dead. As Raff fled, the party tried to waylay the Blackthorns, but they proved too powerful just like pretty much every other major villain the party has faced so far. It’s daunting, really.
The Blackthorns disappeared through a teleportation pad and in their place Dark Perry appeared, and everyone fled from the mansion in Scooby Doo fashion once again. Damien was waiting with horses for them not far off. He told them to gtfo, and so they did, and they traveled without stopping until morning.
They set up camp, had magic fish soup, and then went to sleep…